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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Wait... is that ramp exit only??

Well today is not looking good for anything interesting from TrippyBeth… is it weird that I feel guilty???
I am drowning in actual work; it is not a pleasant way to go I assure you!

This is what is preventing a super interesting post today!!

My brain can’t take it…. I have a good job; it allows me to steal a little free time here and there, which I make up for by working doubly hard.  But it doesn’t exactly require brain acrobatics.  I, literally, dozed off at my desk for about minute, but for no more than 5.  I got up off of my dead ass and wandered to the pharmacy in the lobby and purchased some chocolate coated enthusiasm.

Don’t chastise me, sometimes you have to do what you have to do in order to survive a day.  My salad and abnormally large cucumber was not gonna cut it today.

One of the few things that will bring a bright spot to my otherwise dull and boring workday is a foreign body in the rectum.

Not in my rectum, mind you.  I guess that would change the tone of my day!

I used to see the cases quite regularly when my hospitals included one that was more urban.  However, we still manage to have about one per month. YAY!!

The objects vary from expected dildos and vibrators, to more resourceful uses of everyday household items.  We have seen shampoo bottles (sadly I don’t know the brand, but I want to know soooooo badly), hairspray cans, plastic Easter eggs, ping pong balls, potatoes, dog toys, Etcetera.  One person lost a 10” dildo, and then inserted a 6” dildo right after it (sorta like the old lady who swallowed a fly?) and they were both irretrievable.

While I totally get being kinky and experimenting, what I don’t get is…… you’re sitting at the dinner table, before you is a ketchup bottle; luring you with its slutty Heinz label, beckoning you to take it, own it….. “Oh yea, ketchup bottle, tonight you’re MINE!!”

For those of you that are unaware, things that are inserted into that particular orifice can easily become lost to the grasp of the untrained.  The colon creates a vacuum around those foreign objects, making them impossible to cajole from their lair.  Most of the time a general anesthetic is just the ticket, relaxing the innards of the patient so that the surgeon is able to grasp said object with forceps and return it to the light of day.  About 99% of the time this is successful, I do recall one case of a candle, of the 4’ diameter variety, that was impossible to remove by the previously described method.  The candle had to be broken up to dislodge it from the colon.  That unfortunate patient ended up requiring a colostomy.

"Why are we visiting Dad in the hospital?"

One of the interesting things that I’ve deduced from these cases is that the majority of the perpetrators are white men that are over the age of 50.  Now, I’m not sure what happens to men in this demographic, but fellas, it’s 2012!! There is a whole industry revolving around….uuuummmm….. Items you can purchase to use in this manner, safely, that won’t require a trip to the ER.  Ever hear of a little thing called the internets? You can order them from the relative anonymity of your bedroom and have them shipped in a plain, brown paper wrapper. 

And you won’t end up on the “risky behavior” list of some bean counter at your HMO.  What 50+yo wants to get a safe sex pamphlet in the mail??

Anyway…. Today’s patient was 80+ years old….. The foreign body was a dildo (someone knows how to use the ‘puter).  All I can say is that I am totally fucking impressed with his obvious flexibility, I’ve seen 80+ year olds that are doing good to reach around and wipe their ass, much less get a dildo lost up there!

Way to go Grandpa! Unless you’re a pervy grandpa, then STAY OUTTA MY NEIGHBORHOOD ya freak!!

Ok, back to bury my head in more operative reports… keep your fingers crossed for more foreign bodies in the rectum, I know I am!!

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