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Thursday, August 2, 2012

The Unsolicited Penis.

Friday Eve…. You have finally arrived!

I am so not in the mood to work, but honestly, I can’t really tell you when I AM in the mood to work….. Sigh….. It is a means to an end, so I have to suck it up and be a big girl.

On my agenda for today is: Work (at my actual job), complete a blog posting and plan my weekend agenda.
So far, I have Sunday planned.  A belated birthday lunch (seafood!) and going to a movie premier of The Black Dove (

The movie was shot locally in Cincinnati.  I’m excited, it should be fun.  My friend G is going to join me, we always have a good time.  After the movie there is an afterparty at J Hall ( where there will be performances by folks that were actually in the movie.

But, the rest of the weekend remains unplanned!

D is in Boston until late Friday evening.  If I’m feeling froggy, I may go out for late beers.  Unless, of course, I make some actual plans.
Saturday my only plan is a junket to the Goodwill.  I have a little birthday money burning a hole in my pocket and I haven’t been for a month or so! I should also do my laundry if something better doesn’t present itself.  I hate laundry almost as much as I hate sweating, but not nearly as much as I hate birds.


Yesterday’s post about the date with the serial killer had me thinking about other bad experiences I could recount to you.  And sexting immediately comes to mind.

I realize I am not a silly 15 year old girl, and I know that I should know better.  I tend to be a little impulsive at times, not always thinking things all the way through.

So here’s what happened……

I had been chatting with a man I’ll call S for a few weeks.  It was early into my reintroduction into the dating world, so I was taking my time.
S and I were exchanging texts during work when he requests a photo of my panties. 

Hhhhhmmmmmm, I sat at my desk and considered the request.

I wasn’t even sure how I could take a photo, not in the public bathroom that was for sure.  I could see myself standing in front of the mirror, in panties only, as someone from the human resources office down the hall walked in.  So that method was out.

After much contemplation, I had a brilliant idea!!! No shocker there, right?

Since I happened to be wearing a skirt, I went into the private bathroom, took my panties off, lay them on the sink and snapped a photo.  I know that was kinda cheating……
While I have the photo up, I go to my contacts list…. Find S and send the photo…..return to my desk and carry on with my day.

(recreated panty pic, they’re work panties, so don’t judge)

I expect a text soon from S, but nothing comes.  I’m a little irked.

Then, I hear the familiar ding, alerting me of a text.  “It must be S” I thought.

I open the message to see a photo of a Full Monty, but not from MY S!!

Turns out that a friend of an ex of mine had the same first name as S, and I had inadvertently sent the photo to him.


So, he replies to a photo of my panties lying on a sink with a photo of his junk!! What the fuck???  I threw up a little in my mouth.

Interestingly, this guy had said some awful things about me after the break up with the ex, none of which were true…. One would have thought that he hated me….. I suppose he could have hated me still, just wanted me to see his wiener.
And, honestly, I think I am pretty visual for a girl.  But not for one second did that photo make me want to molest him, even though it had been some time since I had molested a wiener.

I will never pretend to understand the male mind.  I had a guy friend try to explain to me that men aren’t as complicated as women like to believe.  As women, I think we try to second guess the actions of men when we don’t understand what they are doing “Maybe he did that because of this”.  And we could come up with many scenarios to try to make their actions make sense to us.  According to my friend, men just do what sounds reasonable at the time……. Since I do not possess a Y chromosome, I am not even going to try to fathom what goes on in their gray matter (or their underpants).

Never, if I had received a photo of one of my Bff’s ex’s underpants, would I respond with a photo of my boobs.  It wouldn’t even cross my mind.  Probably because I’d be so creeped out.

But, hey, that’s just TrippyBeth…..

Lesson learned:  when you have more than one person with the same first name in your address book, do SOMETHING OBVIOUS to distinguish them from one another…… lest you may have to have your corneas assaulted by an unappealing, unrequested penis….. no one wants that.  I deleted S, the exhibitionist, from my phone book.


Vigilarius said...

Oscar Wilde once said that "an unrequested penis is the worst kind of penis."

(Well, not really. Sounds like something he'd say, though.) ;)

TrippyBeth said...

I must concur with the fictitious Wilde quote....

Vigilarius said...

He's very quotable.