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Thursday, November 29, 2012

Let's Be Honest... THIS SUCKS

I have been in the online dating world for about 3 years now, on and off.

I know, it’s shameful.  But, it is what it is.

What I’ve noticed, recently especially, is that the same faces are appearing in my “Matches”.  Not just a couple, but MANY, if not the majority.  The same faces for the last THREE years.
What I also realize is that my face is continually coming up in their matches as well… awesome.
But when I think that I must look like a loser, I have to think “I’m not the only one”.

So, either I’m not the only loser, we all are…


This dating thing just doesn’t work.

That statement isn’t accurate either.  It’s not that “dating” as a general rule doesn’t work.  I mean, the vast majority of people date before they commit, unless you’re securing your wife off the interwebs and there is an exchange of money or your parents have arranged an exchange of fine goats for your hand in marriage.

Since I haven’t figured out how to become a mail order bride, it should be deduced that INTERNET dating doesn’t work, at least from my perspective.

I’ve thought that it hasn’t worked for me because I’m some sort of unlovable weirdo.  But as I keep seeing so many familiar faces, I am convinced I’m not the only unlovable weirdo. 
We are just not good at matching ourselves up.

But I did eHarmony.  Letting “science” match me up with someone who would see how awesome I am.  IT DID NOT WORK.

I repeat, IT DID NOT WORK.

Have me and every other familiar face on the dating site, become so jaded that we don’t take a chance with people that don’t 100% fill our checklist?

Are our expectations so high that no one could meet them?

Are we so damaged that we can’t even commit?

Have we been so burnt that subconsciously we’ve decided to be alone, while consciously still putting ourselves out there? But only half-heartedly.

Are we so fucked up that no one will truly want us?

If I knew what the answer was I wouldn’t be writing this blog, I’d be running a successful match making business.  Charging a nominal fee to match people with someone they’d actually be happy with.
Hell, I’d be willing to dish out a little cash to end this whole dating nightmare.  I’d venture to guess that I wouldn’t be the only one.

I think that part of the problem is that we are not being honest.

I don’t mean that we are being dishonest with potential paramours.  I mean dishonest with ourselves.  About what our needs truly are. It’s not an intentional dishonesty, we don’t even really know.

There are things that I know I cannot live with; they are the big glaring things like:  alcoholism, lying, cheating, and just being an all around asshole. 

But other things I don’t know until I am confronted with them.

I will give some examples, don’t judge me.  I am just being honest with myself and YOU.

*The motor mouth.  Someone who talks incessantly just isn’t going to work for me.  Silence can be a beautiful thing.  And when two people are comfortable with some silence between them, well that’s a fantastic sign in my opinion.
*The Houdini.  The guy who chats you up for days… then *poof* he’s gone.  Without even a goodbye.  Then appears back on the radar. 
*The Sexy Talker.  This guy immediately starts out telling you that you’re “hot”, your photos give him “wood”, and he keeps thinking naughty thoughts about you.  All this before you’ve met.
Don’t get me wrong, sexy talk between people that are involved is fun, but as initial conversation, it frightens me.
*The Life Story Teller.  I don’t want to know everything about your ex (or every ex you’ve ever had) before we’ve had our third date. When you reveal too much information too early, it screams that you haven’t moved on.
A little information is fine; we all have baggage, but some things you should check along with your coat.

I know I sound petty.  But come on, everyone had little things that get under their skin.  Let’s just be open and admit them.

I know what could be helpful to us that have been “out there” for a while, would be the “exit interview”.  As long as everyone was honest and constructive, not mean and vengeful.  When a relationship ends, let’s do each other a favor and have one final discussion.

Here are the things that I really liked about you…
Here are the things you should improve on…
Here are the things you really suck at…

Ok, maybe “suck” wouldn’t be a good term to use, but you know what I mean.

While I understand that some people would never be able to conduct the interview in person, a simple questionnaire would suffice.

Let’s just be honest with ourselves and each other.  It would really simplify things.
I once had a guy tell me “you are everything that I avoid in a woman”.  Part of me really wanted to know what that meant exactly, but the ruling part of my head told me to leave it lay.  I did.  I, obviously, still think about it though.

Of course, a poorly written profile can make us appear to be something that we’re not.  Profiles that are rife with misspellings and grammatical errors turn me off.  A misspelling now and then is acceptable, poor spelling really isn’t indicative of a low IQ. However, when writing a profile on a dating site, if you’re serious about meeting someone, you should be putting your best foot forward.  It’s really no different than a resume.  Do you really think you’re gonna snag that job when your resume demonstrates that you don’t even know how to utilize spell-check?  Negative Ghost Rider.

I’ve tried to be honest in my profile, which is probably why it’s so wordy.  And for fuck’s sake, I hope I don’t have any misspellings or grammatical errors!!!

I’m so over this dating thing, I can’t even tell you… and my Dad doesn’t have a fine herd of goats.  He does have a nice dog, but I’m pretty sure he won’t part with him.

I guess I’m still stuck searching on my own.  I’ve had friends say “when you quit looking, that’s when you’ll find some”.

I don’t know what that even means.  A great guy will fall from the heavens right into my lap??? Uuummmm, yea, right.
I don’t think that either “searching” or not will increase my odds… it is what it is.


Vigilarius said...

I've had horrid luck with women, to the point where I suspect all females belong to some sort of secret society designed with the sole purpose of messing with my mind. :(

TrippyBeth said...

I can totally relate, Vigilarius...
If it makes you feel any better I have yet to be hazed into that particular society!

Bob Locke said...

Damm you for saying whats in my head! Well, I don't mean damm you as much as dammit!
I'm not at all comfortable with having a profile now. I know for sure I have a profile more to check out other people then to be checked out.
Vigilarius talks of luck but I know I'm the only one who has a say in what my luck is.
Sorry for the stream of consciousness writing but felt a need to blurt that out!

TrippyBeth said...

Blurt away Bob!!
That's what i'm here for, to say what's in your head!!!

I do not, however, concur that we are the only ones that have a say in our own luck. so many things depend on the behavior and choices of other people that directly impact our lives. it is our choice how we deal with it of course.