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Saturday, October 27, 2012

Saturday Musings...


Have you ever had an experience where you reflect back and think “Did that really fucking happen?”

I’m sure that you have, everyone has…

I have decided that dating is devastating to self-esteem, at least to my self-esteem anyway.  If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you probably already know that I’m pretty self-deprecating.  I like to think that I’m just a realist.  I know what I am, and what I’m not.  But, sometimes when getting it shoved in your face makes all that realism go flying right out the damn window.

I know that everyone can’t like everyone, I haven’t liked everyone that I’ve went out with.  Obviously, if I had, I probably wouldn’t be single right now.  But rejection hurts, even when you have nothing invested in a relationship, and even when you also felt like it wasn’t a “love connection”.

Why is that?

I don’t feel that I’m one of those people that HAS to be liked by everyone, I’m not.  I have a fan-fucking-tastic circle of friends; I know that there are people that love me, even when I sometimes wonder why.  I know that’s my issue.

I think that I’m one of those people that other people either LOVE or CAN’T STAND.  I’ve recently discovered people on both ends of the spectrum.  I haven’t changed my MO based on who I’m with, I’m always me all the time (which could also be a problem).

If you don’t like someone, you should be honest about it.  Not in a mean way, of course, but in a grown-up kinda way.  I am not in the business of hurting anyone’s feelings.  What comes around goes around, karma, etc…  I don’t need bad mojo in my life.  However, I also understand that some people do not get the hint.  I don’t think I’m one of those people.   If someone tells me that they don’t like me, I’m out…  I would NEVER push myself on someone.  Who would want that anyway?  I don’t want someone to want me because I’ve worn them down!  And many of the guys that I haven’t had a romantic connection with I’ve kept as friends.  I obviously suck as girlfriend material, but I am a kick ass friend.  I think I’m loyal and dedicated, I’ve got my friends’ backs.  Hopefully there’s no fighting involved, I can talk smack, but when it comes down to violence I wouldn’t be that girl! Thankfully, my friends don’t really throw down like that, so it’s never been an issue.  I guess if all hell broke loose and it was a critical situation, I’d get in there.  Hopefully I’ll never have to!

Sigh, I’m just over-analyzing everything today.  Rethinking recent and past decisions.  Trying to pin point the moment when this whole journey went off the rail.  I can identify moments where I definitely pulled the pins out of the track, as far as the path to the train wreck… I am not sure where it began.

Honestly, I never thought that I’d be ALONE this long.  When I was first single, I knew I wanted to have fun for a while, but I’m really a relationship girl.  I think I’m good in a relationship; I’m good to whomever I’m with.  I tend to be a caretaker, I like making someone happy, and it is in me to please.  But finding someone I trust enough to show that side of myself to, well, it’s certainly been hard.  I wouldn’t want anyone to mistake my desire to please as a weakness or neediness, it’s not. And I don’t want to be someone’s soul source of happiness, that’s too much responsibility.  Everyone has to have their own source of joy, outside of another person.  I have my writing, photography, books, friends… I just need a relationship to compliment all of that, and I want to be a compliment in someone else’s life.

I think that my expectations or goals are practical and not unreasonable.  But, obviously there is problem with this program.

Anyway, tonight there is Halloween debauchery on tap!  I LOVE Halloween, so it’s going to be a good night!  No rejection, no relationship talk, just a great time.  I need it!!!

Keep your eyes open for a vampy Parisian showgirl vampire… it’ll be TrippyBeth!!!

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