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Sunday, October 21, 2012

Facebook Inadequacy

Aaaaahhhhhh Facebook, in one fell swoop you can make me feel good about myself and sorry for myself at virtually the same time.

Let’s be honest people, what would we do without the ability to hide our “friends” on Facebook??  Well, I wouldn’t be able to be on Facebook.

I have friends that are a little Jesus-obsessed, game-obsessed, self-obsessed, etcetera.  

Just because someone is crazy doesn’t preclude them from being my friend.  Actually a little crazy is a prerequisite I think,  and if other people didn’t want crazy friends, I wouldn’t have any friends at all.

Sometimes I feel assaulted by Facebook posts.  I understand that the majority of my friends are Christian, and that’s cool.  But come on, if I scroll past a post about Jesus, I am certain that I’m not confirming my passage straight to hell.

If hell exists, I’m probably going, but it will have nothing to do with Facebook, and everything to do with debauchery.  Who wants to be the lame-ass in hell, sent there for scrolling past a post, while seated next to Charlie Sheen as our skin blisters and sizzles.  I am not going to be embarrassed in hell I can tell you that right now!!  I’ll just get up and move if seated next to Mr.Sheen!!

The abused children posts get to me even more than the Jesus posts.  The photo of a child with some obvious injuries (it is not known how they got them) with a caption saying “Like if you’re against child abuse”  “Scroll past if you think this child should be abused”.

For fuck’s sake!!  I don’t support child abuse, really who does? And the psychos that do aren’t going to publicly admit it.  But COME ON people, you are destroying FB and possibly humanity with these posts!!  What I wonder is, for everyone that seems so altruistic on FB, do you volunteer? Do you even donate to children’s charities? Then why not post that? Encourage people to join you in your benevolence?  Oh wait, that might be HARD.  Liking, sharing, that’s easy and makes you look like a good person, so that’s definitely what one should do.  Life is all about appearances.

When FB makes me feel bad about myself is when I am subjected to the “My boyfriend loves me so much” “I got flowers for no reason” “I just got engaged”… I can’t say that I wish bad things on these people, I don’t, and I am happy when my friends are happy, truly I am.

But dammit, I’m jealous.

I guess that’s probably the main objective of FB, make folks jealous… well that and make people feel sorry for you. 

I’ve recently had to hide some people that want to play out their marriage drama for everyone to read.  If you are over 25, you shouldn’t change your “relationship status” unless it’s something serious.  If you change it every other week, you look like a total retard.

And if you are in excess of 50 years of age, DO NOT tell your relationship problems to the whole facebook world!  While you may get sympathy and “you’re too good for this” comments, you still look pretty damn pathetic.  Especially when two days later, you’re thanking jesus for what a wonderful weekend you’ve had with the one that you love. 

There should be some sort of filter for posting, it should analyze your posting and alert you that you are sharing TOO MUCH INFORMATION, and you should have to put in a password and a good excuse for over sharing.  Just as you should have to put in a password when posting after 1a, because it’s pretty likely that you’re drunk and shouldn’t be posting.

Anyway… back to feeling bad about myself.  When I see someone that I know, that is legitimately crazy, getting married or engaged, etc… I start feeling inadequate.  If everyone else in the world can find someone.. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Let’s quantify…

I know I’m no Miss America, but on typical day, I’m not exceedingly hideous.

I have a decent job, not looking for anyone to support me.  But let’s face it, who wouldn’t want to split bills with someone?  That’s only prudent.

I’m not the village idiot; I can hold an intelligent conversation.  I’ve even been called smart and interesting.

I can cook!!  And I give a fantastic massage…

What is not to love???

I haven’t mentioned my quirks, my phobias, my hang ups… which could be endearing, right??

Apparently not…
(and with this post I have just done exactly what I claim to hate... do not point out the irony, I totally get it)

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