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Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Swimming with Schlongs

Aaaahhhhhh, the online dating world.

People that have never had to resort to shopping on the interwebs for their next paramour have no idea how much amusement, confusion and abject terror it can stimulate.

I sort of apologize to SJ for the next few paragraphs… but I told him that he should not give me fodder for the blog.


I know, I know… it’s not bragging if it’s true, right?

WRONG… if you HAVE to tell people… it’s totally fucking bragging.

And, honestly, it’s not sexy.

If you feel compelled to tell someone that you HAVE to wear “magnum condoms” before there has ever been a discussion about intimacy… well, there’s a very strong likelihood that I’m never going to want to find out.

“That’s a lot of information.”

I have to confess that the turn of this particular conversation with SJ was completely my fault, because I mentioned my “casting couch” post… so I opened myself up for it.  When will I ever learn? Probably never…

C said that men like this must “come from some chivalrous place, like the ghettoverse.”
I fucking love “ghettoverse”.

Anyway, I think a lot of guys do this because they don’t know any better.  They think if a guy has a large schlong a woman will not be able to contain herself.

I’m gonna be honest here guys, large schlongs aren’t that rare, seriously…  I mean if that’s all you’ve got to offer, you really need to step up your game.  I hate to be crude, but it really has to be said.

I am not the foremost, leading expert on schlongs, I’ll admit that, but from my limited experience my previous statement is entirely true.

So, boys, my advice is to keep that little (or big) tidbit to yourself.  Let it be a happy (or uncomfortable) surprise!

But what do I know?  I’m sure there are some ladies that totally go for that kind of thing…

It doesn’t necessarily mean that these guys are automatically bad, but it makes me tread lightly, if at all…  it’s like if you have to tell someone how cool you are, you’re probably not cool at all…

Ok, I’m going to be a little nice here for a minute.

Dating is HARD… ridiculously hard… and, it’s really difficult to know how to do it.  I’ve been at it for a minute now, and I have no idea what I’m doing.  It's like swimming with sharks, while wearing a sausage bathing suit.

"Poke the shark in the eye" they say... BUT WHAT EYE?!?!?!

I know that guys are programmed to think that women want certain things, “big shlongs” being one of those things.

So, when you’re trying to sell yourself you’ll, understandably, want to play up your assets. 

What realtor says “tiny, virtually unusable backyard”?  They’ll focus on the “recently renovated kitchen!”

So, it makes sense that a guy would advertise that he is the cockinator and downplay the fact that he has an aversion to bathing or difficulty maintaining employment… focus on the positive!

SJ did say “What am I going to say? That I’m small and bad in bed?”
Of course not, sometimes it’s what you DON’T say…

Even knowing all of this, it still turns me off.

Flirting and innuendo is fun, but too much, too soon… TrippyBeth No Likey…

Does that make me a prude?

 I want the fun, excitement and discovery of a courtship… if everything is all out there; it takes the fun out of it for me…


Vigilarius said...

I always buy "Billy Barty" brand condoms, TB. Google him, and you'll get the joke. ;)

TrippyBeth said...

i can't believe you didn't give me a link!!
Google, here i come... or should i say cum?
that's just crude...

Vigilarius said...

Billy Barty was a little person. It was my sad attempt at a teeny-weeny weenie joke. :(

TrippyBeth said...

now you know my opinion about guys that talk about their tiny pee-pees
C R A Z Y T O W N!!!!

Vigilarius said...

My ding-a-ling is never the topic of anyone’s conversation, TB. :(

Speaking of ding-a-lings ...

TrippyBeth said...

now you don't know that... someone could be longing for your ding-a-ling...