I’ve had a few friends talk to me; help me not internalize this situation quite so much.
I just don’t understand why I want someone that doesn’t want me? That’s just crazy, I cause myself more pain than is necessary… I feel like a masochist sometimes.
But in my last communication with him, he said something that really hurt me… maybe I didn’t know him as well as I thought, he obviously didn’t care about me. Maybe I was just trying to make the relationship in to what I wanted it to be, but something that it could never be.
I do KNOW this; he liked it when he was with me.
Did that scare him?
Was I fun but just not loveable?
Perhaps I will never know and I just have to accept that.
I was as good as I knew how to be, I did nothing to hurt him, just like I promised that I wouldn’t, and he was the one who hurt me… if that wasn’t good enough, there’s not much I can do about it.
I was me, and I’m not for everyone.
Does it still sting?? Fuck yes it does.
Do I still feel shitty about myself?? Fuck yes I do.
Do I wonder if I’ll ever be good enough? Every moment of every day.
But a friend said this to me “You are sexy, it is your superpower, use it for good.”
I can’t say that I concur, but it felt good to hear it, from someone that didn’t have to say anything.
I’ve been asked out a few times, I haven’t accepted yet… but I am taking a road trip to
Jersey with a friend next
week… kind of an up and back thing, but it will be good just to get away… and I
love a road trip J.
Half a smile is better than none, right???