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Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Things Are Getting Better

The fog is finally beginning to lift.

I’ve had a few friends talk to me; help me not internalize this situation quite so much.

I just don’t understand why I want someone that doesn’t want me? That’s just crazy, I cause myself more pain than is necessary… I feel like a masochist sometimes.

But in my last communication with him, he said something that really hurt me… maybe I didn’t know him as well as I thought, he obviously didn’t care about me.  Maybe I was just trying to make the relationship in to what I wanted it to be, but something that it could never be.

I do KNOW this; he liked it when he was with me. 

Did that scare him? 

Was I fun but just not loveable?  

Perhaps I will never know and I just have to accept that.

I was as good as I knew how to be, I did nothing to hurt him, just like I promised that I wouldn’t, and he was the one who hurt me… if that wasn’t good enough, there’s not much I can do about it. 

I was me, and I’m not for everyone.

Does it still sting?? Fuck yes it does.

Do I still feel shitty about myself?? Fuck yes I do.

Do I wonder if I’ll ever be good enough? Every moment of every day.

But a friend said this to me “You are sexy, it is your superpower, use it for good.”

I can’t say that I concur, but it felt good to hear it, from someone that didn’t have to say anything.

I’ve been asked out a few times, I haven’t accepted yet… but I am taking a road trip to Jersey with a friend next week… kind of an up and back thing, but it will be good just to get away… and I love a road trip J.

Half a smile is better than none, right???

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I concur, you look very stunning even when you half-smile :)

A road trip may be just what the doctor ordered. I went through a rough patch in my life about three years ago (a little "ex" drama at a bad time), and was really down in the dumps. A friend of mine invited me to spend a week with him in the Pacific Northwest. It was awesome! Now I want to move to Portland. Even if it means lots of rain...

But anyways, that trip will do wonders for you.

TrippyBeth said...

Well thank you Anony...

PORTLAND! I've had so many people tell me that I would fit in there...
LET'S GO!
:-)

Anonymous said...

If I go to Portland, I may not come back. Trust me, you'd blend in like camouflage there. It is a progressive and artsy community. Far more liberal than Cincinnati would ever dare to be.