WARNING! WARNING! EXES CALLING!!

I only speak to my ex about two or three times a year now, which is perfectly acceptable… it could actually be too frequent honestly.  However, it doesn’t stress me out anymore, because I truly don’t care.

That sounds cold.  I’m genuinely not a cold person, but sometimes you have to let things go.  I’ve left all of that in my past.  I even feel unaffected when something brings back some horrible memory.  It’s almost like it all happened to someone else, like I’m watching it in some pathetic Lifetime movie.  Tiffani Amber Theissen begging someone to put down the gun?? Meh, I’ll pass up on that.

Anyway, I’m leaving work the other day, and guess who calls??

Fuckity fuck fuck. 

I almost don’t answer.  But I fear that someone has died, I mean, what other reason would he have to call?

I answered.

Sadly, no one died.  (That DID sound cold)

He was calling to check on me, see how I’m doing.  Awesome.

I’m great. 

Then I had to listen to how horrible his life is.  Sorry about your bad luck dude, but the point of splitting up is so we don’t have to give a flying fuck about how miserable the other’s life is.  Someone needs to learn this little lesson.  But guess what? I will not be the one teaching the lesson.

So, after a lot of “Mmmhhmm”s and “Oh yea?”s. I bid him a farewell.

I have a lot of regrets… ending things with him… NOT ONE OF THEM.  My only true regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.  But it is what it is… in the past, where I intend it to stay.

I get a message on the dating site last night “You’re really cute, I like your fingernails”.

Huh?

Thanks for complimenting my most distinctive feature dude.  I mean if a guy compliments my nails, it’s on like Donkey Kong!  NOT.

I’ve heard all kinds of lines, I’ve mentioned some of them, but are some guys just not even trying?  Are they simply socially retarded?  Am I expecting too much?

And, while I like compliments (I mean, who doesn’t?) I’d actually like to know that someone read my profile.  It’s wordy, I know (surprise, surprise) but I really think that it draws an accurate picture of who I am.  It’s pretty obvious the guys that only look at the photos, from their messages. 

“I’d like to worship your ass” or various other body parts.  I’m left to wonder, again, if that ever works.  Hell, I’m not even bootylicious, so I don’t get it.

The guys that do make it all the way through to the end of my profile usually tell me that they did.  It is an honorable thing.  I should start handing out ribbons.  “I SURVIVED TRIPPYBETH’S PROFILE!”  A round of applause ensues.

Today a “cute young doctor” (his description, not mine) sent me a message offering me a house call with a free “oral exam”.

How generous!!  An exam that I don’t even have to turn in to my HMO.

Wait a damn minute…

Could he have an ulterior motive?

Where are all of the altruistic cute young doctors who don’t want to see me burdened with paying my deductible??

NONEXISTENT!

In all honesty, I’m totally OK with paying for a gyno exam.  I’m not sure an orthopedist would be qualified anyway.

And the cute young doctor line will never work on me.  I’ve worked with many doctors over the course of my career, they do nothing for me.  They annoy me mostly.  Now, if he had said that he was a mountain climbing, puppy loving, bird-phobic, novelist… I’d be all over that shit!!!

I’m sure I’d find something wrong with him too… that just seems to be how I roll.  I’m, sincerely, trying to overcome that little personality flaw… we shall see how that works out!