I'm Just Sorry....

My dear sweet friend is brain dead.

How ugly does that sound?

How mother fucking unfair is that? 

I'm so angry and my heart feels like it has been ripped from my chest.

I spoke to B's brother at length today.  We cried together.  Talked of our regrets and of little miracles.

I want a big miracle, he can't die.  He just can't.  I won't have it.

I am going to see him tomorrow.  I have to see him.  I have to tell him I'm sorry I didn't call him back, I'm sorry that we didn't see the moonbow, I'm sorry Earlene Aberdeen didn't have a mother, I'm sorry I quit writing, I'm sorry I let fear control me... But I'm not sorry that he met A, I'm not sorry for the life that they built together, the life that was good and healthy for him.

How could his heart betray him like that?  His heart killed his beautiful, brilliant mind.  It silenced that voice, the voice fueled by passion and wisdom and curiosity and adventure.  The voice that would call me as he passed fields of windmills just because he knew how i loved them.  The voice that encouraged me, tried to convince me that I'm more than I ever believed that I was, that I was worthy of good things.

Maybe, when i get past being so angry (if I can get past it) I'll learn something.  He would always encourage me to take something away from every bad thing that happened, something that would make me better.

The one thing that I know right now, is that I don't ever want to feel regret like this again.  I should quit putting things off, and let myself get close to someone. B did it, after all he went through, all of his own heartbreak, he allowed A in, they loved each other and were building a beautiful life.

I can't talk about it any more... 

Keep sending good vibes, saying prayers, whatever you do for my friend B... he truly deserves them.

And, if you would, send some my way... saying goodbye to him tomorrow will be one of the hardest things I've ever done...