Can You Hear the Violin Playing?

Ok, this post can be labeled “TrippyBeth is feeling sorry for herself”.

It is what it is, and I really feel like venting.

If you are family, you may want to stop reading right here… you’ve been warned.

And if you’re reading this and you think that I’m talking about you…I probably am.

I have been lamenting the fact, lately, that if I actually meet someone I won’t have anything to write about.  It’s really a double edged sword, I really want to meet someone, but I also want to continue to write a moderately interesting blog.  Those fears, while legitimate, are totally unfounded.

I went on a date a few weeks ago with a man that was somewhat outside of what I normally look for in a man.  Honestly, he was just older than what I normally consider.  But, I thought, what I’m doing isn’t working, so I should broaden the search.

We had dinner, it was very nice, the conversation flowed easily, I was sincerely enjoying myself, being myself, and it seemed good.

After dinner he walked me to my car, as we stood there saying our goodbyes, he asked to kiss me and I readily agreed.

It was a blow-your-socks-off kinda kiss.  I can’t remember the last time that I had been kissed like that.  It made me a little weak in the knees.

But, communication pretty quickly dropped off to nothing.  I sent him a message on the dating site, basically saying that I understood that he wasn’t interested, but it was a fantastic kiss.

He messaged me back.

I’m condensing his reply:

It’s not that I’m not interested, I’m afraid this would just be a sex thing for me at this point.  I’m pretty sure you don’t want that.

I wrote back (condensed):

I appreciate your honesty.

Is it that I’m only interesting to you sexually and not relationship-wise OR that’s all you’re interested in at this point.

Clarification would help me.

Condensed Reply:

You are interesting to me physically (since that’s all we really know).

You put out a vibe that is provocative, alluring and very sexual.

But I am coming out of a long monogamous relationship, if I hear any more about feelings and needs my head will pop off.

So, yeah, I’m mostly physical thing right now.

I feel that you aren’t looking for that.

It would be irresponsible to go forward.

It’s not you.

My reply:

Thank you for your honesty.  It’s really a common theme, so it’s kind of hard to think that it’s not me.

A common theme that guys just want to fuck me, but not more.

Him:

I know why they want to fuck you… you do too.

Call me if you want to talk about it.

That’s a big negative ghost rider.  I don’t know, nor do I understand.

I did call him, I had to know.

Apparently some of my photos on my profile come off as maybe a little overtly sexual.  That is not my intention.  He suggested that maybe I add a photo of me with a puppy or something.

I really feel that my photos represent the different sides of my personality.  I think that I am a sensual person, but not slutty.

So tonight I will rethink my photo selection and possibly edit them… or take down my profile.  Maybe that’s really the best idea at this point.

I sincerely appreciate his honesty, I REALLY do.  And as weird as it feels to me to be called sexy, or hot even, I still like it… it’s definitely flattering to have a man that is very handsome and sexy in his own right say those things about me, when I definitely can’t see any of that when looking in the mirror.

But with that being said, it still hurt my feelings a little bit.

That feels ridiculous to me.  It’s not that I had anything vested in a relationship with this man, just dinner, a kiss and some text messages.  I don’t think that it was HIM at all really.

It’s just the feeling, well it’s more than a feeling, I really have proof, that I’m good enough to take to bed, but not good enough to actually invest in a relationship with.

While I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want someone to be intimate with, but I also want someone to wake up with, someone to share more than bodily fluids with.

Maybe, probably, that just isn’t in the cards for me.  Maybe I’m trying too hard.  I don’t know, but I think that I just need to get off of this merry-go-round, because I am getting damn nauseous. 

So tonight, either I edit my profile, delete my profile or go join eHarmony (as I’ve been encouraged to do).

Maybe I’ll just drink wine.