Welcoming the Darkness

Feeling rejected, sad, lonely, unworthy, unloveable, undesirable, ugly, stupid... 

You see something you don't want to see and you can't un-see it. 

Letting the darkness swallow me back up... Not even going to fight it. 

Pity Photography

Here is what I do when I'm alone and feeling sorry for myself...  well one of the things that I do, the least destructive thing...

http://reflectionsuponmyreality2.wordpress.com/

Conversation at work with work friend:

Me: "Did you have fun on your day off?"

Friend: "You mean at my grandma's funeral?"

Yep, I'm that girl.

Wandering Through the Black Fog

I participated in a wedding Friday evening… the only people present were; the couple, my friend Boom who was the minister and myself.  According to the couple, NO ONE knew they were getting married.  Interesting.  I wondered whose parents were not okay with it.

And, they totally poo-pooed getting wedding presents.  The ONLY reason I’d marry again would be for wedding presents… I REALLY need some new towels.

I acted as both the photographer and the witness at the wedding, and the minister-in-training.

After the wedding, I went home, went to bed and stayed there for >36hrs.

I told everyone that it was my allergies… but it wasn’t.

Sometimes the black fog swallows me whole, dragging me into a pit so deep that I wonder if this will be the time that I’m not able to pull myself out.

 

That sounds really dramatic, doesn’t it?  But I can really think of no other words to describe it… and I own a super thesaurus.

I pulled my ass out of bed on Sunday morning because we were going zip lining for my Dad’s birthday and I had to make the long trek back home.  I took the camera and made a few stops on the way, which did make me feel a little better.  Here’s an example of what I captured (http://reflectionsuponmyreality2.wordpress.com/2013/09/23/the-porny-house/).

I did have a friend, a reader of this blog, tell me that I’m too hard on myself “you have so much to offer – guy needs his head examined.”

I want to believe that sooooooo badly, that it’s not me, that I’m wanted, desirable, needed.  Yet, the loneliness overshadows the possibility of those beliefs.  I am the common denominator here… only me.

I know, I hear the tiny violins playing too…

She Doth Fuck it Up

I think, that when I focus on trying really hard to do things right, I end up fucking it up.

This is apparently what I’ve done.

I’m sad about it, my heart hurts…

My adorable introvert is done with me. 

What it interesting about that, is that I didn’t do anything wrong.  I tried really hard to give him the space that he needed, but I also feel like I let him know that I really care about him, I disabled my dating profiles, I turned down invitations to go out, I told everyone that I was “seeing someone”, I didn’t run when the scheduling thing with us was hard (and if you know me, it is my nature to run when a relationship hits a speed bump, but I didn’t)…

Yet… I haven’t heard a word for 4 days.

I tried to explain what he misunderstood… maybe I over-explained it “she doth protest too much”.  He’s a wicked smart guy, I thought he’d realize that it wasn’t what he thought… I guess I’m wrong, again.

Maybe dating just isn’t for me… I need a long break from it all I guess…

Introverted Extroversion...

I’ve taken multiple personality tests over the last few years, in an attempt to understand myself and possibly what I need.

I’ve gotten a variety of results that basically say that I’m different variations of an extrovert (and obviously a little schizo).

According to Myers-Briggs, I’m an ENFP, which I’ve previously mentioned, which basically says that I’m an extrovert that relies mostly on intuition, feelings and perception.

 

I think that’s, mostly, an accurate assessment.  However, I don’t think that I’m always an extrovert.

Maybe it’s because I’m an only child and I learned to live with my own company, enjoy solitude, entertain myself, etc…

 

Sometimes I like being out with a crowd, I have a pretty large circle of friends and acquaintances, however, I am not a go-out-every-night kind of girl.  But, when I’m out, I’m OUT and I have a good time.

 

Sometimes I enjoy the peacefulness of being alone, it can be recharging.  This weekend, other than a wedding I attended, I barely spoke to another soul, aside from the cats (please don’t draw any conclusions from that).

 

Okay, now to what I wanted to discuss…

 

I am dating an introvert.  And I like dating him.  Sometimes I feel a little frustrated at the limited time that we have to spend together, because we work opposite shifts and probably because my limited extrovertedness is probably exhausting to him.

 

I am learning to slow my roll.  It isn’t easy for me.  I like to show people that I care about them; I like to make things better when I can… and this isn’t what he needs. 

 

When he was sick, it was my immediate instinct to make soup and take him things to make him feel better.  This was not what he wanted; this wasn’t how he deals with being ill… he prefers to do it alone.

 

For a little bit it stung… I was being pushed away, I wasn’t wanted… which can, in my mind, translate to “you’re not good enough”.  Which I realize is MY issue, not his and I can’t project it on him.  I may have had a moment of passive aggression, which I quickly recognized (he did too).

 

So… I’ve read several articles on “dating an introvert” and they make a lot of sense.  Basically, it’s just recognizing his needs, which are different from mine.  So we both will need to be patient with other.

 

I think he could be worth the patience… I mean I haven’t run yet… which is completely out of character for me.

No Fucking Idea...

This morning, as I was slaving away at the office, I noticed something.
I had only taken the nail polish off of the nails of my right hand... my left hand was still painted.

The first question I was asked upon this discovery was "Were you drinking?"

I actually had to think about it.

I had a few Doozers (thanks BT) Sunday night, but I think the nail polish removing occurred on Saturday, so NO I wasn't drinking.  I apparently just have no idea what the fuck I'm doing.

A Doozer is blackberry schnapps, sprite and a splash of cherry liqueur.  They're pretty tasty if I do say so myself.

Some Days Suck...

Having a chronic illness sucks, in sooooo many ways.

 

First, which I don’t even have to mention, is the fact that you have a chronic illness… it’s totally unfair and sucks royally (not in a good way).

 

Second, doctor visits.  My doctor visit frequency has decreased since my diagnosis and since I refuse to go unless I’m afraid that I could possibly be dying a painful death.  If I thought I was dying lost in some beautiful reverie, it is unlikely that I’d pursue any medical care.

 

Third, medication.  I take what seems, to me, a lot of medication.  A chemo medication, steroids, anti-inflammatories, anti-chemo side effect medication, stomach medication, vitamins, and some holistic stuff.  It’s a pain to take all of this to stave off effects of my particular disorder because some of it has to be timed and you have to plan if you’re going places, it’s also expensive.  Money I’d much rather spend at the thrift store or on booze…

 

Fourth, “you don’t look sick”.  I don’t want people to think of me as “sick” really, but I also want people to understand that if I have to bow out of something, it’s not because I’m lazy.

 

Fifth, I’m fucking tired.  Not ALL of the time.  I try so hard to be the same girl that I was before I got sick.  But who am I kidding? I am so much less active now.  I still push myself to do the things that I like to do.  I get out with the camera as often as I can and I would love to do more urbex (even though after I did my last solo urbex adventure I was sick with a fever for 2 days).

Today, I feel like I’ve been exsaunguinated.

And if I over-do-it I’ll get sick with some crappy virus or something that I can’t even quantify.

 

Sixth, pain.  I’m tired of the random pain.  While it’s not debilitating, it’s exhausting.  I’ve been dealing with a slipped-rib fuckweasel malady for about a week… I’m so over it.

 

Today, I’d just really like for someone to wrap me in their arms and tell me that everything will be okay…