Things Are Getting Better

The fog is finally beginning to lift.

I’ve had a few friends talk to me; help me not internalize this situation quite so much.

I just don’t understand why I want someone that doesn’t want me? That’s just crazy, I cause myself more pain than is necessary… I feel like a masochist sometimes.

But in my last communication with him, he said something that really hurt me… maybe I didn’t know him as well as I thought, he obviously didn’t care about me.  Maybe I was just trying to make the relationship in to what I wanted it to be, but something that it could never be.

I do KNOW this; he liked it when he was with me. 

Did that scare him? 

Was I fun but just not loveable?  

Perhaps I will never know and I just have to accept that.

I was as good as I knew how to be, I did nothing to hurt him, just like I promised that I wouldn’t, and he was the one who hurt me… if that wasn’t good enough, there’s not much I can do about it. 

I was me, and I’m not for everyone.

Does it still sting?? Fuck yes it does.

Do I still feel shitty about myself?? Fuck yes I do.

Do I wonder if I’ll ever be good enough? Every moment of every day.

But a friend said this to me “You are sexy, it is your superpower, use it for good.”

I can’t say that I concur, but it felt good to hear it, from someone that didn’t have to say anything.

I’ve been asked out a few times, I haven’t accepted yet… but I am taking a road trip to Jersey with a friend next week… kind of an up and back thing, but it will be good just to get away… and I love a road trip J.

Half a smile is better than none, right???

Please Pass the Bourbon

Sigh…

At my last posting I confessed to being smitten.  According to Webster’s, one of the definitions of smitten is “To be struck with a firm blow”.

I couldn’t have been more accurate with using a term than I was with using smitten.

Today, I was struck with a firm blow, unexpectedly, squarely in the gut.

I was dismissed.

I can’t really say “dumped” since there was no relationship declaration.  But I feel DUMPED.

Crying at work is sooooooo not cool. 

I won’t detail his reasons here, out of respect for him, his reasons are his own and from what he said it wasn’t about me (unless that was just to spare my feelings).  I actually understand the reasons that he gave me; it’s someplace that I’ve been before.

Maybe my stupid enthusiasm had something to do with it… in fact, I’m sure that it did.  I wear my heart on my sleeve sometimes, and when I think something or have an idea, I have to share it, that’s just how I roll…  maybe I need to change some more things about me???

Do I think that he’s being rash? Do I think that he’s fucking up?

HELL YES I DO.

But, it’s not my decision… I can only live with it.

I guess I’m upset that I let myself feel a connection with someone and have some hope that it could possibly turn into something.  That’s not my usual MO.  But, I did feel a connection with him; I saw something very special in him that I haven’t seen in many before.

I’m not mad, but my feelings are hurt, I have that pain that a person gets deep inside their chest, maybe that’s where my soul is??

Now what do I do this weekend?  I took a vacation day on Friday because we were gonna take a day trip. I was so looking forward to it.

I guess I could go alone, but that doesn’t sound like too much fun to me…

I think I’ll just get drunk.