Feelings Can Bite Me

I'm missing the days that I did who and what I wanted... Not getting attached, having fun, not having regrets and just living.

Now... I put my heart back out on my sleeve and it got poked.  Not poked in a good way. 

Since my heart has been out wandering around, it's grown... Maybe to a normal size heart. And now... It won't fit back in it's box.

That's fucking awesome.

It's just going to be out there on the loose getting poked, prodded, kicked, stepped on and gum stuck to its little heart shoes. 

I have a good heart, I know that, that's why I've guarded it so closely... I suppose it's the rest of me that's not worthy. 

How does one get their brain and their heart on the same plane? 

Dead Inside

Well I've discovered that I am, in fact, dead inside, emotionally.

This was the icing on the cake, after turning down a self professed "hot" attorney....

Things Are Getting Better

The fog is finally beginning to lift.

I’ve had a few friends talk to me; help me not internalize this situation quite so much.

I just don’t understand why I want someone that doesn’t want me? That’s just crazy, I cause myself more pain than is necessary… I feel like a masochist sometimes.

But in my last communication with him, he said something that really hurt me… maybe I didn’t know him as well as I thought, he obviously didn’t care about me.  Maybe I was just trying to make the relationship in to what I wanted it to be, but something that it could never be.

I do KNOW this; he liked it when he was with me. 

Did that scare him? 

Was I fun but just not loveable?  

Perhaps I will never know and I just have to accept that.

I was as good as I knew how to be, I did nothing to hurt him, just like I promised that I wouldn’t, and he was the one who hurt me… if that wasn’t good enough, there’s not much I can do about it. 

I was me, and I’m not for everyone.

Does it still sting?? Fuck yes it does.

Do I still feel shitty about myself?? Fuck yes I do.

Do I wonder if I’ll ever be good enough? Every moment of every day.

But a friend said this to me “You are sexy, it is your superpower, use it for good.”

I can’t say that I concur, but it felt good to hear it, from someone that didn’t have to say anything.

I’ve been asked out a few times, I haven’t accepted yet… but I am taking a road trip to Jersey with a friend next week… kind of an up and back thing, but it will be good just to get away… and I love a road trip J.

Half a smile is better than none, right???

Welcoming the Darkness

Feeling rejected, sad, lonely, unworthy, unloveable, undesirable, ugly, stupid... 

You see something you don't want to see and you can't un-see it. 

Letting the darkness swallow me back up... Not even going to fight it. 

Pity Photography

Here is what I do when I'm alone and feeling sorry for myself...  well one of the things that I do, the least destructive thing...

http://reflectionsuponmyreality2.wordpress.com/

Conversation at work with work friend:

Me: "Did you have fun on your day off?"

Friend: "You mean at my grandma's funeral?"

Yep, I'm that girl.

Wandering Through the Black Fog

I participated in a wedding Friday evening… the only people present were; the couple, my friend Boom who was the minister and myself.  According to the couple, NO ONE knew they were getting married.  Interesting.  I wondered whose parents were not okay with it.

And, they totally poo-pooed getting wedding presents.  The ONLY reason I’d marry again would be for wedding presents… I REALLY need some new towels.

I acted as both the photographer and the witness at the wedding, and the minister-in-training.

After the wedding, I went home, went to bed and stayed there for >36hrs.

I told everyone that it was my allergies… but it wasn’t.

Sometimes the black fog swallows me whole, dragging me into a pit so deep that I wonder if this will be the time that I’m not able to pull myself out.

 

That sounds really dramatic, doesn’t it?  But I can really think of no other words to describe it… and I own a super thesaurus.

I pulled my ass out of bed on Sunday morning because we were going zip lining for my Dad’s birthday and I had to make the long trek back home.  I took the camera and made a few stops on the way, which did make me feel a little better.  Here’s an example of what I captured (http://reflectionsuponmyreality2.wordpress.com/2013/09/23/the-porny-house/).

I did have a friend, a reader of this blog, tell me that I’m too hard on myself “you have so much to offer – guy needs his head examined.”

I want to believe that sooooooo badly, that it’s not me, that I’m wanted, desirable, needed.  Yet, the loneliness overshadows the possibility of those beliefs.  I am the common denominator here… only me.

I know, I hear the tiny violins playing too…

She Doth Fuck it Up

I think, that when I focus on trying really hard to do things right, I end up fucking it up.

This is apparently what I’ve done.

I’m sad about it, my heart hurts…

My adorable introvert is done with me. 

What it interesting about that, is that I didn’t do anything wrong.  I tried really hard to give him the space that he needed, but I also feel like I let him know that I really care about him, I disabled my dating profiles, I turned down invitations to go out, I told everyone that I was “seeing someone”, I didn’t run when the scheduling thing with us was hard (and if you know me, it is my nature to run when a relationship hits a speed bump, but I didn’t)…

Yet… I haven’t heard a word for 4 days.

I tried to explain what he misunderstood… maybe I over-explained it “she doth protest too much”.  He’s a wicked smart guy, I thought he’d realize that it wasn’t what he thought… I guess I’m wrong, again.

Maybe dating just isn’t for me… I need a long break from it all I guess…