Maybe I Should Wear a Mask...

ZZ-friggin-Top tonight folks!!

WOOT WOOT!!

They better play “Jesus Just Left Chicago” (my fav ZZ song) tonight! Surely they will, they generally play it with “Waiting for The Bus”.

Lynyrd Skynyrd will also be playing; I’ve seen them before, when they were on the God & Guns tour.  It seemed silly to me, that while on that tour, that seemed to celebrate guns, yet they still play the song “Saturday Night Special”.  The lyrics of that song say:

So why don't we dump 'em people
To the bottom of the sea.

Seems a little hypocritical to me, but what do I know?  It’s rock-n-roll, so they can do whatever they want, right?  And I’m pretty sure that most of the crowd didn’t catch it, nor did they care.

From what I can tell, this tour is called The Band of Outlaws tour, I think.  There should be some great people watching tonight!  The last time I saw Skynyrd, they were with Kid Rock, and it rained.  So on top of the beer, there was mud, and a lot of it.  It made things super interesting.  But mud is no longer an issue at Riverbend.  They have a beautiful artificial turf lawn now, which is quite nice.

So, last night I took a little road trip with J.  To Bumfuct Cornville, USA.  Since I am from nowheresville, I have the right to say these things.  I do not think that I’m better than anyone, I am just acknowledging facts.

We traveled the 90 minutes up there to visit a haunted house before it opens tonight.  Sort of a behind-the-scenes look at hicktown horror.

As we drove through the corn and soybean fields, dotted here and there with McMansions, several thoughts rattled around in my brain.

The first, “I would NEVER want to live here!”  the only redeeming fact was that they were close to I-71, so escape is a little easier.

The second, “Instead of the biggest house in BFE, I’d much rather have the smallest house in civilization.

The third, as we drove down the driveway to the home of the haunted house devotees, a truck passed us.  Remember the truck from “Jeepers Creepers”???  yea, it reminded me of that truck.

I might die here...

So, my mind started going wild.  This was a perfect place to slaughter some unsuspecting visitors, under the guise of a “Haunted House”.  When we arrived at the home, this feeling grew even stronger.

The folks that were hosting the haunted house were also breeders of Rottweilers.  “This could go so horribly fucking bad….” Kept running through my brain.  “Once I’m slaughtered, the dogs could dispose of my body” while less efficient than hogs, they could probably do a decent job….

My eyes darted around in the darkness of the cornfield for opportunities to escape and potential weapons. “Why in the holy hell did I wear flip flops?”

As J stood around making small talk, I realize that I have to pee, BAD.  Fucking great.  I whisper in J’s ear that I really need to go.

“I’ve never been in their house before” is the reply I receive.

Awesome.

I surmised that there would be no way that I could run for my life with a full bladder, so I ask if I can use their bathroom.

A daughter, I assume, escorts me into the house, which doesn’t look too unkempt from the outside.  The inside, however, was a completely different story.

I am greeted by a tiny little dog in a tutu and an elderly couple sitting in matching lounge chairs, who looked at me, puzzled, and kept asking “Who is that girl?”

I hurry into the bathroom the daughter pointed me in the direction of.  There was a night light on in the bathroom, when I flipped the light switch, I realized that the nightlight was the only illumination in the room.  This just keeps getting better.

I had an amazing pee, only to notice that the sink was….. ummmm….not clean.  I turned on the faucet with my elbow and did not use the questionable looking bar of soap.  After I rinsed my hands, I looked at the towel hanging by the sink.  Not gonna happen.  But fortunately, they had some unused-looking guest towels hanging up; I totally used one of those.

I stepped back into the living room where once again the question was raised “Who is that girl?”

When I got back outside, J quietly asked “How was it?”  I just shook my head.

Mercifully, they finally led us to the “haunted house” which appeared to be a cluster of farm sheds connected with slats of wood.  It seemed to be quite dilapidated, but I was assured that it had only recently been constructed.  I was not convinced.

“Do you want to go in the maze?” we were asked.

“No” I replied.

Then they led us into the maze.

The maze was pitch black, fucking dark.  J led as I followed closely.  I am not a fan of mazes, not corn, not hay bales, not the fantastic hedge maze at the Overlook Hotel.  But there I was, in the middle of it.  Followed by a family who kept proclaiming how “Fucking epic” it was.

After several wrong turns and collisions with cardboard covered posts, we emerged into some dim light.  Our journey did not end there.

We entered the haunted house, proper.  I had to admit, they did a good job.  It was a series of rooms, the church/wake scene being my favorite.  Of course, the actors weren’t present, I could see the potential.  It was well done.

Aside from the maze, the most distressing part had to be the smell from the dog kennels.  For fuck’s sake, if you’re going to have hundreds of people visiting your haunted house, do something about the stench.

Soon we were back on the highway headed home.  That was a close one!

Remember how I talked about over sharing yesterday?  Well, guess who got another lesson in it today?? Yep, you guessed it, TrippyBeth!

Earlier this morning I recanted the story to CB, here at the office, about the backstabber and her digestive issues.  She said that she hears it all of the time; their cubes are right next to one another, poor girl.

Not 30 minutes later, a former employee, the one who had previously dropped her pants in my office to show me her wound, appears in our office.

WHAT?!?!

Of course she comes back to me, makes small talk… then begins to tell me about recent dental work, antibiotic therapy and the resulting yeast infection.

WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT MY FACE MAKES PEOPLE WANT TO TELL ME THIS SHIT?!?!

The worst part was when she said that it wasn’t in the “vaginal area” but on her “clit”.  I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Do people have no shame??

Fortunately I hadn’t eaten breakfast…..